Dementia–Oh the Joys!!!

Sorry about the rant!!!  Now that I have that out…I can write about what I planned too to begin with! lol

Anyway…so my Mom has dementia, and boy has it been interesting, which I’m sure isn’t the write word but can’t think of anything else that applies at this time…

She’s slowly going downhill, and is to the point where she cannot be left alone.  For months now she didn’t want to be alone because being alone scared her…we’ve made sure someone is with her at all times…but now it’s gotten to the point where we can’t because she’s forgetting way too much at this time to do so…

If you ask my Dad, she’ll tell you she’s fine!  She forgets a few things, sure, but who doesn’t?  He told me for months everything was fine, that she was fine when I asked about her…and it was months after she was diagnosed and having issues that my brother tells me she has it…I have a feeling he’s telling her doctor she’s fine as well…denial isn’t just a river in Egypt!

While it’s sad she has this…while it bothers all of us that she does…there are some funny points to it!  Ok, so I have a warped sense of humor, but I’d rather laugh at this disease then let it get me down…

This morning, first thing when I got up and came out, she motioned me to her a bit urgently.  She then took me to the back bathroom, where last night the handle broke off the toilet.  She knew last night the toilet wasn’t working right…but not sure if she remembers that this morning.  Anyway, she just HAD to show me that it was gone, and when I told it that it was ok, we knew it was broke and will be fixing it soon, she said “Oh Thank God” and deflated from the stress immediately.  She told me that it scared her!  Not sure exactly how that could scare her, but it obviously did, and it needed to be taken care of.  It also showed me how much inability she has at this point to change…

Which is part of the other thing I wanted to share LOL  I had gotten her a pair of pj’s that were very soft and black and white and a pull over the head that I just knew would be comfortable!  She was having trouble with the button on her pj’s so figured this would work for her.   Well, she took it, said she really liked it, it went into her room and onto her dresser for months, tried on once and taken off because the legs were a bit short for winter time…it was more of a summer pj.  Anyway, during that time she came to me 4x trying to give me the pj’s, and me reminding her that I got it for her and her putting it back on the dresser.  It was sorta funny how she would do it, and how she would say that she thinks those pj’s are for me not her.  Anyway, about a week ago I finally gave in and the pj’s are mine. lol  She’s so used to her pj’s that this set really confuses her and it’s not worth the issues.

Oh, and Eggo’s aren’t even safe!!!  Last week, she took out the eggos, buttered them, and gave them to my father to eat.  Now, what step did I miss here? lol  She forgot to toast the eggo’s and gave my Dad frozen  and buttered eggos for breakfast!!! ROFLMAO!!!!  Ok, so I find that hilarious…she wasn’t so amused.  She of course got very upset and cried…

The week before the poor eggo was toasted but she put mayonnaise on it instead of butter, and when I asked her why she was putting mayo on it, she was sure it was butter!!!  I told her to read the front of the jar, and she broke down crying…My Dad of course got upset about it…I don’t think that he’s being mean on purpose, but that it scares him and upsets him when things like this happen.  And because he does, and because he gets loud and demands more out of her then she can do anymore because he’s just not understanding nor does he want too how bad she’s getting.  I helped her get out the butter and told her that if she reads the containers that it’ll help this not happen again.

She’s not getting the understanding of what is what anymore.  For the most part, when someone tells her to get items, her brain isn’t associating with what it is and she’s not able to do so…she gets very confused and very upset.  I’ve talked to my Dad about lessoning up what she does, such as bringing the bread to the table with what goes on it instead of her trying to do the sandwich herself…only getting the break and materials that are needed would give her a lot less confusion in the long run.  Same with eggos!!  Toast them and give them to Dad to finish off and I told this to my Dad.  Of course, he doesn’t think it’s needed, it was just a bad day…yet he has to realize she can’t make food and can’t do the laundry! 

Sigh…we’ll get them!

I plan on coming on and sharing how her dementia goes…it keeps coming to my mind that I need to write out what happens…not that it would help me, but maybe it’ll help someone else who may be dealing with it.  Dementia isn’t fun, it is an emotional roller-coaster…yet I  believe that we’re getting there!!!

~Angel Hugz~

Tracy

Dementia gave me my Mom!!!!

Soooo…my Mom has dementia, and lately it’s become more evident that she isn’t doing the greatest.  She’s in great physical condition, so that’s helping…it’s her mind that is warring against her and she isn’t taking it very well…

She doesn’t understand why, out of 3 sisters, she’s the one that’s ended up having dementia.  It really bothers her…

While I was writing that, my Mom came to me for some help…she has red blotches on her face and she wanted me to help her put make-up on to hide them.  She has limited make up, no foundation and I plan to get her some of her own. 

This isn’t my Mother…this  isn’t the woman that while I was growing up would go off on us for the smallest reason, a spoon left on the counter turning into all the other things she can remember me doing wrong and turning into an hour rant.  I’ve realized through her getting this, that she had anxiety issues since I was a child, it just wasn’t addressed or taken care of.  I remember as a young teen telling my Father that she needed help, that there was something wrong for her to act the way she did.  That her snapping off like she did about the smallest thing…her feeling like everyone was against her and that she wasn’t worth anything and didn’t deserve anything were signs that she needed help.  Of course, I was told she’s fine and nothing was done…now with her on anxiety medication she’s so different!!!

My Mom now hugs me…she talks to me…she asks for my help and advice.  She HUGS me!!!  This to me is so huge because growing up and me leaving the home at 17 and seeing her off and on through the years…not once did I EVER get a hug from my parents.  Not once did they ever say they loved me…something that they still haven’t done but I’m thinking at this time my Mom may actually do one day!!  Oh, and she’s kissed me on the cheek, as well as my fiancée!  This isn’t my Mother!!!

It saddens me, really saddens me, that it took her getting dementia for me to finally have a Mom, not a Mother.  Those that don’t understand the difference have never gone through abuse.  This woman would never hit me…put me down so bad that I just wanted to crawl into a hole…doesn’t delight in exploiting weaknesses and using them against me, such as crying.  This woman is NOT the woman that I grew up with, and I wish, oh I wish, this could have been the Mom I could have had as a child if someone would have gotten her in and gotten her on medication then!!!  Oh then, then we would have had a Mom that could deal with the circumstances surrounding her and not fall to pieces and taking that anger at what she was feeling and taking it out on the kids.

If anyone that is reading this has or knows someone that can’t deal with the reality around them, who seems to snap at small events or changes and can’t handle it…if you know anyone like this, PLEASE get them help!!! 

I understood years ago that my parents weren’t monsters…that them adopting my brother and I put too much stress on them and they just couldn’t handle the issues that my brother and I had; my brother has a neurological learning disability said to be brought on by him being born addicted to alcohol and drugs as well as being almost starved at the foster home he was put in; I was also born addicted to drugs and alcohol and I had speech issues as well as being a child that always wanted to be hugged or held, which unfortunately my parents just couldn’t do!  Neither were huggie people, neither of them were able to show love other then buying items for us (which we had waaaaayyyyy too many toys as kids), neither of them had the ability to show that they cared.

At one point when I was 16ish, things were getting really tense between me and my Mother.  We just couldn’t get along!  She would say things like “I’ll just throw myself off the roof then…it wouldn’t matter”, and as a teen I didn’t help at all by saying to her “fine, I’ll even help you!”  Yeah…not very compassionate and not a good thing to say to someone that just may be contemplating suicide.  I didn’t think she was thinking anything like that, but that she used that when she got up because she wanted it to hurt us, she used it as a weapon, not an actual cry out for help.  Like calling me a
“son of a *itch”…I told her that I couldn’t be the son of one, that I’m female so it would have to be a daughter of one…and that that statement doesn’t hurt me nor is pointed towards me, because if I was the daughter of one, then she’d be the *itch.  Oooohhh, you can imagine how well that would go off lol  She did stop calling me that when she realized it didn’t bother me and that I’d turn it around to her every time…

All of that, and soooo much more I’m not putting out there at this time…and it takes her getting Dementia to get on anxiety meds for us to FINALLY have a woman we can call Mom!!! 

Mothers day this year…oh how it hurt…I’ve never been able to buy her a Mother’s Day card because they are so mushy and gushy and didn’t apply to her at all unless I was totally lying.  I couldn’t buy them!!!!  This is one of the main reasons I hate cards!  People buy them so often without meaning hardly anything that’s stated on the card because it sounds good and it’s what is available.  This year Mother’s Day actually hurt to go through, because here, FINALLY, I can spend time with my Mother who is so different then who I grew up with, and understand that it took her getting dementia to have this!!!!  Oh, it’s sooooo wrong!!!  Why couldn’t I have had this Mom growing up????

I know the answer…I feel that God ordained this so that I could become who I am so that I can do the job He wants me to do…doesn’t mean I have to like it!!!

So please, anyone that reads this who knows anyone that may snap and wig out on the smallest thing…someone that doesn’t seem to be able to deal with stresses and changes among them…get them HELP!!!!  They NEED help!!!  don’t wait!!!  I truly feel that if she would’ve gotten help years ago she wouldn’t have the dementia issues she has now!!!  It’s connected!!!

Soo, this turned into a rant that I totally wasn’t planning on putting out there, but I guess it’s good to get it out and I pray that someone who reads this gets something out of it.  If you’ve made it this far, Thank You for doing so!!  I pray that you and yours are doing well and that everyone is mentally healthy as well as safe!

~Angel Hugz~

Tracy

Orphan

I haven’t posted here in forever, but not sure where else to post this and thinking maybe it’s time to start keeping up with my personal blog once again…

I started a reading plan a few days ago, From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope, and today’s reading really touched a nerve in me…

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

1 Corinthians 13:1

ORPHAN

'I'm not adoptable,' he stated flatly. 'What?' I was surprised by his comment. 'I'm. Not. Adoptable.' He repeated it more loudly, as if perhaps he thought I was hard of hearing. He was sitting on my exam table, and I had just been looking in his ears and asking him about school and friends and girls. Then the conversation turned to family. His parents had lost their rights years ago. 'I went to this adoption party, and I overheard some people say that I'm not adoptable because I am too old.' At that, tears welled up in his eyes and began to spill down his face. He took a few deep breaths and went on. 'I met some people who wanted to adopt a son. They talked to me for a little while but then moved on to meet other children, and I overheard them saying that I was too old, that no one would want to adopt someone my age.'

His eyes were dry now, but sad. 'All I used to want was to be adopted. I don't understand why no one wants me.' My mind was spinning, quickly assessing my own family situation. Did I want to add a 15 year old boy with 10 years of foster care baggage to the mix? No. I told him that I thought he was perfectly adoptable, and that I was sure someone would come along who wanted him. It sounded lame even to me. 'Do YOU want me? Would YOU ever adopt me?' I was frozen. Of course I wanted him to have a family; I just didn't want the effort of being it. He could sense my struggle, and his face changed again, this time looking reserved and emotionless. 'It's OK,' he said. 'My case worker says I need to spend the next couple of years learning how to take care of myself anyway.' Head down, I left the room and went on to the rest of my day, but I never forgot him. And I didn't sleep for a week. And I felt like a fraud. And I have always wondered if he should have been MY son.

PRAYER FOR OLDER CHILDREN: Today, we are specifically lifting up the older children in custody. Father, life has been hard for these children. Love them as only You can. Place people in their lives who can give them hope for the future, and show them what a future with You can be. Amen.

 

Thankfully I was adopted at a young age and didn’t have to spend those years in foster homes or an agency…Reading this brought tears and pain, knowing that so many children out there aren’t as lucky as I was… I used to work with some of these children while a GAL in NC, thankfully most still were planned for reunification with their families, but some weren’t…

I wish I was in the position to adopt some children that are older and feel they are unwanted, unlovable, undesired and will never have a family to call their own!  I know that’s years away from us being able to do, but I’m praying that I can at least continue my work soon with the children so that I can be there for them and their parents while they go through the system.  Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes what you hear and see can give you nightmares or shatter a part of your soul, but knowing that you are there making a difference in that child’s life makes it all worth it…

It's been so long....

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted here...seems like life has a way of getting up and going without our consent or knowledge at times ;-/  Thankfully things are going better for us after that economic hit to the US, and getting back on track.  With that said, I'm planning on doing more blogging once again.  I find that I feel more centered around my passions when I'm able to do so, and get a bit more on the organized side as well.  So, I guess it's a wait and see...

Ravelry

Ravelry is something that we are now looking into for our Crochet/Knitting group that we started years ago to make items for DV Survivors and the Survivors left behind of those that have lost someone to DV.  We are going to move our group there and call it The Chrysalis Project, which I think is very fitting considering we are changing UAADV to Le Chrysalis, and we'll be in essence sending a Chrysalis to our Sister Survivors to wrap around them and comfort them.

Made an account there and playing with it now.  I'm really hoping and looking forward to the group there!  This project means a lot to me, because too many Survivors feel alone and I think this is an awesome way to show they aren't and that there are those that do care.

Haven't been around for a while, but I'm BACK!!!!

It's been some time since I've had the time or energy to post to my blog, but I'm back!  There has been so much going on, but I'm not going to get into the past and will be posting often in the future.  This page is now permanently open on my chrome so I wont forget about it! lol

Today, listening to my Pastor at Church something clicked...

I wanted to share something that I wrote for our AOM blog, wanted to share it on my personal blog...

One of the reasons I have not written on this blog is because I have not gone through any training, I haven't gotten the bible memorized or can bring up passages to fit a situation.  I don't sound "religious", I just sound like me, and it was a block for me because I didn't think that was good enough.  Now I'm thinking my stinkin' thinkin' has gotten me from doing what I have a passion to do, which is to reach out to others that are struggling with their faith.  My main goal is to touch Survivors of child abuse, domestic violence, rape and other situations that may have tested the faith of many, but so many may be able to relate that haven't been through the previous.

I grew up in the Roman Catholic Faith.  I'm not going to say anything bad about being a Roman Catholic, but will say it wasn't for me.  I went to private school while growing up, had Bible classes, yet, never connected to the Lord.  I didn't know such a thing was possible!  I felt that to be able to talk to Him, to be able to be resolved of my sins, I had to go through a Sister or Priest.  I didn't feel qualified to have a relationship with Him, because I didn't know enough.  I'm finding that many feel this way, and not only of the Roman Catholic Faith.  I used to be in the Church Choir, and actually loved it, because that to me was the one time I could talk to Him through my gift of voice that He gave me.  We were told what to say, what to do, when to kneel to Our Lord, when to stand...it felt that to have Faith in Him meant making sure you knew all the rules, and said your rosary...

While growing up, I often wondered why He wasn't there for me.  Why He would let bad things happen in my life, and why He didn't care enough to stop it, or maybe I wasn't good enough?  I remember crying out to Him, wanting an answer, but not knowing how to "Listen" for it.  Sundays were the worse day in our house for many reasons, and I came to resent not only Church, but my Faith in God.  I was in a youth group on Sundays before Church, and then later in the week at different members homes.  Yet, where was my connection with God?

After leaving my abusive husband that believed that the Bible was the greatest work of fiction ever created by man (btw, my faith wasn't enough to ask before marrying him if he even Believed in God), I couldn't stand anyone talking to me about God, going to Church, or being saved.  I bristled every time someone brought up that subject.  I would feel inside myself a growing red hot anger, and would tell those that were trying to deliver the message to me that I wasn't interested, and walk away very angry that they would intrude in this manner.  I guess that's another reson why I have a hard time talking to others about Faith, because I remember the time when I would feel violated that anyone would push Him on me.  I wasn't ready...

I can't say how I started wanting to build my relationship with Him.  I was about to say Him back into my life, but the reality is that He never left me, I left Him.  I had always felt there was more then what I was taught, there was something missing, but no matter what questions I asked, I couldn't figure it out.  I went to many different churches, listened to many different Pastors and Priests.  Still, that link was missing for me.  Still, I didn't understand what a relationship with Him meant!  It wasn't memorizing the Bible.  It wasn't understanding every verse and what it meant.  It wasn't in gonig to church and dong what they said when they said too.  It was so much more, and it took me many years to finally understand...

There is a difference between having a religion, and having a relationship with Him.  Christianity isn't a religion!  It isn't something that is written down, it isn't something that you do because yo uare told too.  Christianity is so much more!  To me, it's living the life that Jesus put forth, it's walking in His footsteps, it's letting Him shine through, for we all have Him inside us, but it's up to us to accept Him heart and soul and let Him guide us in our ways.  This is something that I've felt for a very long time, yet, never found a Church that I fit in because of my beliefs.

One of the reasons that my Faith was shattered was because a few years ago I found out that the Priest that I grew up listening too, believed in, looked up to, was one of the 4 Priests that were arrested for molesting the alter boys he was training.  My brother was one of his alter boys.  This shattered much of my Faith, because I became so angry at him being able to do that!  Someone that was supposed to be a Catholic, supposed to believe in the Lord and taught others in their Faith, yet he could do something so horrendous!  I became mad  at the Church, and mad at God for letting it happen!  I confused what a human sinner had done to what God would have wanted done...

Looking back, my Faith and Relationship with Our Lord truly started to grow after I became disabled.  I was on a track that "I" wanted to go down, that "I" thought was needed.  I became disabled and my whole world slowed down, everything that I thought I would do and become changed.  I was shattered, just a shell, and a broken one at that.  Looking back, I believe that God put His hand in my life, and that I'm disabled for a reason.  I truly believe that God had a plan for me that I was not following, and to make me "Listen" and follow His plan, He put His hand in my life.  Because of my disability, I didn't go down the road "I" wanted to go down.  I am now doing something that I feel lead to do, something I feel He wants me to do.  A few years ago I talked to someone that was supposed to be very much in touch with the Lord, a Pastor, and he told me because of my beliefs in this, that I was going to die a slow and painful death adn go to hell.  I laughed at him, because I felt inside me this was right, and He was leading me, and I was ready to go wherever He wanted me to go.  I was at peace with what God had planned for me...

I never heard anyone else feel this way until a few months ago when a mean talked about his wife during a service at our Church, and talked about her Leukemia, and how she wasn't healed as they prayerd for her daily to be, and she touched so many lives of those that also had the ailment.  She is now better, but they believe that she went through that ailment as long as she did because He wasn't done with her yet, He had a plan for her.  I believe the same for me...

Today our Pastor (Paster Fletcher, Manna Church Fayetteville, NC.  If you aren't ready for church yet, please, go to the site and listen to some of his sermons, I believe that they will touch you as they have touched me) talked about reaching out to others, to being an Evangelist.  I've never seen in myself that I knew how to do this, yet, he made it seem so simple.  He took the time today, instead of giving a sermon, to show us how easy it was to talk about our faith to others, and to bring them to the Lord.  I always felt it was so much harder, so much more!  Today I've finally understood that it's ok to be me!  It's ok not to know the Bible verses (I can look them up or ask someone that knows them), it's ok to just talk to others about my faith and reach out to them, and I have so much to say!  (if you couldn't tell that by how long this has gotten ;-))  So, I've decided that I can actually write to this blog, share my thougths and feelings, and that it's ok!  Even though I'm a sinner, everyone is, and it's ok to still reach out to others even being a sinner.  I don't have to be anyone otehr then what God made me to be, share a piece of myself, and I pray that in doing so that I may reach someone and turn them to Our Lord.