I wanted to share something that I wrote for our AOM blog, wanted to share it on my personal blog...
One of the reasons I have not written on this blog is because I have not gone through any training, I haven't gotten the bible memorized or can bring up passages to fit a situation. I don't sound "religious", I just sound like me, and it was a block for me because I didn't think that was good enough. Now I'm thinking my stinkin' thinkin' has gotten me from doing what I have a passion to do, which is to reach out to others that are struggling with their faith. My main goal is to touch Survivors of child abuse, domestic violence, rape and other situations that may have tested the faith of many, but so many may be able to relate that haven't been through the previous.
I grew up in the Roman Catholic Faith. I'm not going to say anything bad about being a Roman Catholic, but will say it wasn't for me. I went to private school while growing up, had Bible classes, yet, never connected to the Lord. I didn't know such a thing was possible! I felt that to be able to talk to Him, to be able to be resolved of my sins, I had to go through a Sister or Priest. I didn't feel qualified to have a relationship with Him, because I didn't know enough. I'm finding that many feel this way, and not only of the Roman Catholic Faith. I used to be in the Church Choir, and actually loved it, because that to me was the one time I could talk to Him through my gift of voice that He gave me. We were told what to say, what to do, when to kneel to Our Lord, when to stand...it felt that to have Faith in Him meant making sure you knew all the rules, and said your rosary...
While growing up, I often wondered why He wasn't there for me. Why He would let bad things happen in my life, and why He didn't care enough to stop it, or maybe I wasn't good enough? I remember crying out to Him, wanting an answer, but not knowing how to "Listen" for it. Sundays were the worse day in our house for many reasons, and I came to resent not only Church, but my Faith in God. I was in a youth group on Sundays before Church, and then later in the week at different members homes. Yet, where was my connection with God?
After leaving my abusive husband that believed that the Bible was the greatest work of fiction ever created by man (btw, my faith wasn't enough to ask before marrying him if he even Believed in God), I couldn't stand anyone talking to me about God, going to Church, or being saved. I bristled every time someone brought up that subject. I would feel inside myself a growing red hot anger, and would tell those that were trying to deliver the message to me that I wasn't interested, and walk away very angry that they would intrude in this manner. I guess that's another reson why I have a hard time talking to others about Faith, because I remember the time when I would feel violated that anyone would push Him on me. I wasn't ready...
I can't say how I started wanting to build my relationship with Him. I was about to say Him back into my life, but the reality is that He never left me, I left Him. I had always felt there was more then what I was taught, there was something missing, but no matter what questions I asked, I couldn't figure it out. I went to many different churches, listened to many different Pastors and Priests. Still, that link was missing for me. Still, I didn't understand what a relationship with Him meant! It wasn't memorizing the Bible. It wasn't understanding every verse and what it meant. It wasn't in gonig to church and dong what they said when they said too. It was so much more, and it took me many years to finally understand...
There is a difference between having a religion, and having a relationship with Him. Christianity isn't a religion! It isn't something that is written down, it isn't something that you do because yo uare told too. Christianity is so much more! To me, it's living the life that Jesus put forth, it's walking in His footsteps, it's letting Him shine through, for we all have Him inside us, but it's up to us to accept Him heart and soul and let Him guide us in our ways. This is something that I've felt for a very long time, yet, never found a Church that I fit in because of my beliefs.
One of the reasons that my Faith was shattered was because a few years ago I found out that the Priest that I grew up listening too, believed in, looked up to, was one of the 4 Priests that were arrested for molesting the alter boys he was training. My brother was one of his alter boys. This shattered much of my Faith, because I became so angry at him being able to do that! Someone that was supposed to be a Catholic, supposed to believe in the Lord and taught others in their Faith, yet he could do something so horrendous! I became mad at the Church, and mad at God for letting it happen! I confused what a human sinner had done to what God would have wanted done...
Looking back, my Faith and Relationship with Our Lord truly started to grow after I became disabled. I was on a track that "I" wanted to go down, that "I" thought was needed. I became disabled and my whole world slowed down, everything that I thought I would do and become changed. I was shattered, just a shell, and a broken one at that. Looking back, I believe that God put His hand in my life, and that I'm disabled for a reason. I truly believe that God had a plan for me that I was not following, and to make me "Listen" and follow His plan, He put His hand in my life. Because of my disability, I didn't go down the road "I" wanted to go down. I am now doing something that I feel lead to do, something I feel He wants me to do. A few years ago I talked to someone that was supposed to be very much in touch with the Lord, a Pastor, and he told me because of my beliefs in this, that I was going to die a slow and painful death adn go to hell. I laughed at him, because I felt inside me this was right, and He was leading me, and I was ready to go wherever He wanted me to go. I was at peace with what God had planned for me...
I never heard anyone else feel this way until a few months ago when a mean talked about his wife during a service at our Church, and talked about her Leukemia, and how she wasn't healed as they prayerd for her daily to be, and she touched so many lives of those that also had the ailment. She is now better, but they believe that she went through that ailment as long as she did because He wasn't done with her yet, He had a plan for her. I believe the same for me...
Today our Pastor (Paster Fletcher, Manna Church Fayetteville, NC. If you aren't ready for church yet, please, go to the site and listen to some of his sermons, I believe that they will touch you as they have touched me) talked about reaching out to others, to being an Evangelist. I've never seen in myself that I knew how to do this, yet, he made it seem so simple. He took the time today, instead of giving a sermon, to show us how easy it was to talk about our faith to others, and to bring them to the Lord. I always felt it was so much harder, so much more! Today I've finally understood that it's ok to be me! It's ok not to know the Bible verses (I can look them up or ask someone that knows them), it's ok to just talk to others about my faith and reach out to them, and I have so much to say! (if you couldn't tell that by how long this has gotten ;-)) So, I've decided that I can actually write to this blog, share my thougths and feelings, and that it's ok! Even though I'm a sinner, everyone is, and it's ok to still reach out to others even being a sinner. I don't have to be anyone otehr then what God made me to be, share a piece of myself, and I pray that in doing so that I may reach someone and turn them to Our Lord.
