I wanted to share something that I wrote for our AOM blog, wanted to share it on my personal blog...
One of the reasons I have not written on this blog is because I have not gone through any training, I haven't gotten the bible memorized or can bring up passages to fit a situation. I don't sound "religious", I just sound like me, and it was a block for me because I didn't think that was good enough. Now I'm thinking my stinkin' thinkin' has gotten me from doing what I have a passion to do, which is to reach out to others that are struggling with their faith. My main goal is to touch Survivors of child abuse, domestic violence, rape and other situations that may have tested the faith of many, but so many may be able to relate that haven't been through the previous.
I grew up in the Roman Catholic Faith. I'm not going to say anything bad about being a Roman Catholic, but will say it wasn't for me. I went to private school while growing up, had Bible classes, yet, never connected to the Lord. I didn't know such a thing was possible! I felt that to be able to talk to Him, to be able to be resolved of my sins, I had to go through a Sister or Priest. I didn't feel qualified to have a relationship with Him, because I didn't know enough. I'm finding that many feel this way, and not only of the Roman Catholic Faith. I used to be in the Church Choir, and actually loved it, because that to me was the one time I could talk to Him through my gift of voice that He gave me. We were told what to say, what to do, when to kneel to Our Lord, when to stand...it felt that to have Faith in Him meant making sure you knew all the rules, and said your rosary...
While growing up, I often wondered why He wasn't there for me. Why He would let bad things happen in my life, and why He didn't care enough to stop it, or maybe I wasn't good enough? I remember crying out to Him, wanting an answer, but not knowing how to "Listen" for it. Sundays were the worse day in our house for many reasons, and I came to resent not only Church, but my Faith in God. I was in a youth group on Sundays before Church, and then later in the week at different members homes. Yet, where was my connection with God?
After leaving my abusive husband that believed that the Bible was the greatest work of fiction ever created by man (btw, my faith wasn't enough to ask before marrying him if he even Believed in God), I couldn't stand anyone talking to me about God, going to Church, or being saved. I bristled every time someone brought up that subject. I would feel inside myself a growing red hot anger, and would tell those that were trying to deliver the message to me that I wasn't interested, and walk away very angry that they would intrude in this manner. I guess that's another reson why I have a hard time talking to others about Faith, because I remember the time when I would feel violated that anyone would push Him on me. I wasn't ready...
I can't say how I started wanting to build my relationship with Him. I was about to say Him back into my life, but the reality is that He never left me, I left Him. I had always felt there was more then what I was taught, there was something missing, but no matter what questions I asked, I couldn't figure it out. I went to many different churches, listened to many different Pastors and Priests. Still, that link was missing for me. Still, I didn't understand what a relationship with Him meant! It wasn't memorizing the Bible. It wasn't understanding every verse and what it meant. It wasn't in gonig to church and dong what they said when they said too. It was so much more, and it took me many years to finally understand...
There is a difference between having a religion, and having a relationship with Him. Christianity isn't a religion! It isn't something that is written down, it isn't something that you do because yo uare told too. Christianity is so much more! To me, it's living the life that Jesus put forth, it's walking in His footsteps, it's letting Him shine through, for we all have Him inside us, but it's up to us to accept Him heart and soul and let Him guide us in our ways. This is something that I've felt for a very long time, yet, never found a Church that I fit in because of my beliefs.
One of the reasons that my Faith was shattered was because a few years ago I found out that the Priest that I grew up listening too, believed in, looked up to, was one of the 4 Priests that were arrested for molesting the alter boys he was training. My brother was one of his alter boys. This shattered much of my Faith, because I became so angry at him being able to do that! Someone that was supposed to be a Catholic, supposed to believe in the Lord and taught others in their Faith, yet he could do something so horrendous! I became mad at the Church, and mad at God for letting it happen! I confused what a human sinner had done to what God would have wanted done...
Looking back, my Faith and Relationship with Our Lord truly started to grow after I became disabled. I was on a track that "I" wanted to go down, that "I" thought was needed. I became disabled and my whole world slowed down, everything that I thought I would do and become changed. I was shattered, just a shell, and a broken one at that. Looking back, I believe that God put His hand in my life, and that I'm disabled for a reason. I truly believe that God had a plan for me that I was not following, and to make me "Listen" and follow His plan, He put His hand in my life. Because of my disability, I didn't go down the road "I" wanted to go down. I am now doing something that I feel lead to do, something I feel He wants me to do. A few years ago I talked to someone that was supposed to be very much in touch with the Lord, a Pastor, and he told me because of my beliefs in this, that I was going to die a slow and painful death adn go to hell. I laughed at him, because I felt inside me this was right, and He was leading me, and I was ready to go wherever He wanted me to go. I was at peace with what God had planned for me...
I never heard anyone else feel this way until a few months ago when a mean talked about his wife during a service at our Church, and talked about her Leukemia, and how she wasn't healed as they prayerd for her daily to be, and she touched so many lives of those that also had the ailment. She is now better, but they believe that she went through that ailment as long as she did because He wasn't done with her yet, He had a plan for her. I believe the same for me...
Today our Pastor (Paster Fletcher, Manna Church Fayetteville, NC. If you aren't ready for church yet, please, go to the site and listen to some of his sermons, I believe that they will touch you as they have touched me) talked about reaching out to others, to being an Evangelist. I've never seen in myself that I knew how to do this, yet, he made it seem so simple. He took the time today, instead of giving a sermon, to show us how easy it was to talk about our faith to others, and to bring them to the Lord. I always felt it was so much harder, so much more! Today I've finally understood that it's ok to be me! It's ok not to know the Bible verses (I can look them up or ask someone that knows them), it's ok to just talk to others about my faith and reach out to them, and I have so much to say! (if you couldn't tell that by how long this has gotten ;-)) So, I've decided that I can actually write to this blog, share my thougths and feelings, and that it's ok! Even though I'm a sinner, everyone is, and it's ok to still reach out to others even being a sinner. I don't have to be anyone otehr then what God made me to be, share a piece of myself, and I pray that in doing so that I may reach someone and turn them to Our Lord.
Today, listening to my Pastor at Church something clicked...
Cops say William Greer killed his girlfriend and left her body in the woods.
I have just gotten done with putting this on every UAADV State Blog, and I'm still pissed!
This Monster needs to be caught, and needs to spend the rest of his days in jail! Tammy was such a lovely woman, and to read her letters and see how deranged he was and to see just a touch of what he did to her is horrendous! I'm hoping that he gets caught soon, and that Tammy and her family gets the justice that they deserve.
There's too many Monsters out there that have abused and killed someone they claimed to "Love". Society needs to step in and help find them so that they don't kill again...
***Please re-blog this and distribute it widely!***
This came through my email as an AMW alert, and I just had to get it out to all the blogs in hopes that someone has seen this Murderer! He's out there, after having killed a beautiful woman and mother, and he needs to be stopped before he kills again!
>>Letter 2
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Thoughts...
I just turned 36 on the 19th, and even though my birthday is usually just a number, I've found myself thinking a lot lately. During that thinking, realized that I don't have to wonder what I want to do when I grow up. #1, I am grown up! lol Ok, not old yet, but grown up anyway... #2, I AM doing what I want to do for the rest of my life!
Me being an Advocate is not just something that I'm going to do for a time, but something I plan on doing for the rest of my life. I'm on a mission, and that wont stop until the day I die, which I hope and pray is far in the future, have too much to do to die before then.
Sometimes, life has a way to take us with it, instead of us being able to grab hold and guide it. I've found that many times, if we give it some slack, life guides us into things that we never thought we'd ever be doing, and sometimes if we let it too loose, we loose control. I've given the reigns over to God, knowing that He'll guide me where He wants me, and a good thing that it's what I want to do as well!
Watching the Inauguration of Barack Obama, I was totally impressed with the speech that he gave, not from a piece of paper, but from his heart. In him, I saw Martin Luther King, Jr., and it has given me so much hope for the future! Something that he's been saying we all need, and that sorely so. I'm hoping that we finally have a president that will understand and fight against the oppression that Victims, Survivors, and NCM's go through daily. I hope that the change he promises will also include them, because if something doesn't change from the top down, we are going to loose too many more, and 1 more is more then enough...
So many things around me are making me think harder about what it is that UAADV should be doing, and I think that we are on the right path, but there's so many more things that can be done, and needs to be done. We NEED to start a revolution, not just Survivors, not just Advocates, but Society. Enough is ENOUGH, and I'm hoping this year is the year that it's fully understood.....
New Year, New Beginnings?
Here it is, the start of yet another New Year, and this morning it got me thinking...
What's going to be different about this year?
What could make this year better then the past years that have slid by?
One thing I thought of this morning is that I've seen my attitude changing lately. More upbeat, more determined, more positive that things can change and knowing that I want that change to begin with me.
That it's the beginning of the New Year is a plus, but this isn't a resolution that I'll let slip by like so many other resolutions of he past years. Going to quit smoking, nope, that didn't happen, still smoke. Going to loose weight, nope, didn't happen either, anybody need a few pounds? LOL
It's interesting, even though I didn't make a resolution to loose weight, because of my new attitude, because I want to eat healthy to take care of myself better, because I'm getting more active because I'm trying to accomplish tasks that have been left to the wayside of late, I have a feeling I will be loosing weight. Hey, added bonus! Even got vitamins for the family and exercising again! Whoo Whoo!!
I can't put a finger on why my attitude has changed, can't put a finger on the hour or day. It just happened. No, not overnight, I can look back and see that I've been slowly getting into the grove of this, but now realizing that it's making a change not only in my life, but those around me that I'm in contact with.
Being a DV Advocate can many times burn you out, it's so hard to hear what's going on out there to so many without burning out at some point. I'm thinking that was part of my issue, day after day hearing the stories, the horrors, knowing that there are children out there being court ordered inot the custody of their abusers. There are no simple answers there. I realized long ago that there is no easy fix, and we can only do as much as we humanly can, although sometimes that doesn't feel enough. There's a difference between realizing it and feeling it though, and I'm thinking that regardless, I want this year to be the year that the truth of DV is SEEN and HEARD daily!
Add that to my growing Faith...
I've seen in the past year my Faith in God growing in leaps and bounds. Yes, I've had what I would call a good relationship with Him, but I've noticed that more and more, it's gotten much easier to turn to Him and to give my problems over to His direction. Recently, my Fiancee was out of work for 6 months, and with 2 children, that could have been a very scary time. He did start his own remodeling and home improvement business, which did help some, at least kept us afloat to an extent. Month after month, we knew we had bills to pay, and I have to admit, needed help some of those months. Believe it or not, our stress level wasn't bad at all, because we knew He was going to get us through as he had done so many times before, and that He had a plan for us. What it was, I'm not sure. Sometimes I truly think that He wanted to remind us how bad it can be, and in so seeing if we would turn to Him as we should. It's hard to give up your stress, your worries, and your problems to Him and just let them go and not worry about them anymore. Very hard, but it's gotten easier for not only myself this past year, but my Fiancee as well. I guess we had a lot of practice! LOL (side note: he got a wonderful job with great pay just before Christmas on Ft. Bragg, one of the members of our church helped him in that, and we do believe as well, it was a direction from God)
So, just thinking about all this this morning while taking him to work and dropping him off. (Oh, the added bonus of him working and me being able to plan the day out is nice too! LOL) Not going to wait for what the New Year brings, but go out and grab it. If I wait, it'll pass me by like so many other years past. This year, I'm going to be that change in my life, and not wait for it to come from some external source...
